I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
