Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
