i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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