Life is so much better after having sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
