so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
