Life is so much better after having sex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
