My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
