last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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