You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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