I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
