he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
