I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
