The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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