hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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