My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
