did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
