Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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