I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
