VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
