a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
