Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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