she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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