I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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