Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize