Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
