things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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