Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
