WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
