Moan for me like Helen Keller
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
