someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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