i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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