I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
