They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
