my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize