At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
