shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
