i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
