that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
