I cannot find my penis.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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