38 yer olds are good kisserssss
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
