Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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