Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
