I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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