cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
