I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize