Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
