Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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