a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize