Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
