he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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