there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
