the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
