true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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