her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
