The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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