My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
