then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
