Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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