Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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