apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
